To many parents and caregivers, reflecting or naming feelings can seem too simplistic to significantly impact children’s behavior. To others, it feels forced, unnatural, or too "gentle."
As a parent myself, I get it! When your child is in the middle of a tantrum, kneeling down and calmly saying "You are so mad" might not feel like a sensible response. Moreover, when your child is screaming it's understandable that your only goal in the moment is to make it stop.
As adults, we instinctively want to fix the problem or find a solution. Of course we do! However, based on neuroscience and research, naming and understanding feelings is the foundation for kids to start forging new pathways in their brains that will prepare them for the next time big feelings come up. It's much more of a process than a resolution.
I like to think about Dr. Dan Siegel's analogy outlined in his book, The Whole-Brain Child. Essentially, Dr. Seigel compares the brain to a house: a child's brain is still under construction. While a child's ability to feel strong emotions like fear or anger (the downstairs brain) is fully formed, their ability to understand or rationalize these feelings (the upstairs brain) is not yet developed. We as parents and caregivers are helping our children build “stairs” to connect their downstairs brain to their upstairs brain.
Often, children don't know what they are feeling or why they feel that way. They don't know why they felt out of control when their parent brought them the pink cup they asked for and suddenly they wanted the purple cup. They don't understand why attention focused on their sibling makes them want to hit. Kids' emotional experiences are complex and confusing. These feelings are new, and having such big feelings without many tools to manage them can feel scary and overwhelming. So when you say "You are really disappointed," your child feels seen and understood by you, the person at the center of their world.
When you name the feeling, neurons are firing in both sections of the brain simultaneously. Neuroscientists have a saying: "Neurons that fire together, wire together." By consistently naming their internal experience, you are helping your child build a permanent "neural highway".
Eventually, that highway becomes strong enough that they won't need you to be their stairs anymore. They will be able to pause, recognize the feeling, and use their own "upstairs brain" to regulate it.
When naming and reflecting feelings, a rule of thumb I use is to start the sentence with "you.” This helps with intrinsic motivation and self-esteem. Here are some examples: (pro tip: don't worry about getting the feeling exactly right. If you are wrong, they will correct you!)
1. Reflecting Simple Emotions
- "You’re feeling really sad that Grandma had to leave."
- "You look so excited to show me what you made!"
- "You’re feeling frustrated because that piece won't fit."
- "That felt scary when the dog barked so loudly."
2. Reflecting the "Process" (Effort & Struggle)
- "You’re working so hard to get your shoes on all by yourself."
- "You’re really concentrating on that drawing."
- "It’s tough to keep trying when it feels like it’s not working."
- "You’re taking your time to make sure it’s just the way you want it."
3. Reflecting Desires and Wishes
- "You wish we could stay at the pool all day long."
- "You really wanted the blue cup instead of the red one."
- "You’re hoping it will be your turn very soon."
- "You wish you didn't have to stop playing to go to bed."
4. Reflecting the Physical Experience
- "Your body has a lot of big energy right now."
- "Your face looks very tense; you’re feeling a bit worried."
- "You’re breathing very fast; your body is feeling overwhelmed."
Even though naming/reflecting feelings might feel a bit stilted or unnatural at first, give it a try. Doing it consistently will gradually give your child important lifelong tools - and make them feel truly “seen” by the most important person in their life.
References
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. Delacorte Press.